1001

This post marks my 1,001st blog post. I started this blog almost 8 years ago as we were heading off to Kansas to begin FT ministry there. This is somewhat of a milestone as 1,000 blog posts is a lot. And 8 years ago, I would not have suspected how my life would have turned out. Back then, I was full of hope and excitement. Hope for the future. Excitement to use my life for whatever God would have me do, pouring out my life for His glory.

Today, I look back with great sadness. The wounds are less painful. The memories less haunting. But the scars remain. The pain is still deep. It's like a chill in my bones that never leaves. In one sense, it was a great experience. I loved FT ministry. I loved everything about it. I loved learning and studying deeper about the greatness of God. I loved equipping the saints. I loved shepherding His flock. I loved discipling. I loved counseling. I loved organizing and leading ministry. I loved being a pastor of God's church and the special bond that results with God's people. My high expectations were exceeded. I am so thankful that I had this opportunity to pour out my life for God and for others. The relationships we built are some of the best I've ever had. The way so many stood by us even during the darkest of times, doesn't cease to amaze me. We are truly blessed.

On another level, I think I have come to some level of forgiveness towards others and peace within myself. I see in many ways how God used this suffering for my good, for my holiness, for my complete dependence on Him, for the Lord to show Himself greater and more incomprehensible than ever before. I see more my nothingness, my sinfulness, my lowliness before His magnificent sovereignty.

But I am left with the question that I have been wondering for 3 years - what now? Where do I go from here? In my first blog post, I quoted missionary David Brainerd, "Oh, that I might be a flaming fire in the service of the Lord. Here I am, Lord, send me; send me to the ends of the earth...send me from all that is called earthly comfort; send me even to death itself if it be but in Thy service and to promote Thy Kingdom." That was my prayer. That was my hope. That was my expectation. And yet, it appears as if God sent me...back home. He sent me back to CA, back to earthly comfort, back to material wealth, and back to what?

It has been a strange journey, these past 3 years. God rescued us and physically blessed us beyond what I thought possible. I should be grateful. I still feel guilty that I'm not more thankful. The boys and girl are thriving - spiritually, physically, emotionally. I am so thankful for what God has been doing in them. I have made a commitment to give them stability in these years (after so much instability) and see them graduate HS in Benicia. They are responding well to this stability in our lives for the first time in a long time. God is blessing Sandy with some much needed rest and peace during this time as well. I will not sacrifice the boys and girl or my wife for my love for FT ministry. I think of poor Mrs. Carey's madness. As great as William Carey's legacy is, and it is great what God did through him, he sacrificed her sanity to do God's work in India.

So I am finding a great paradox in my life. I left CA thinking that I would melt my personal will to do God's work in going out to spend my life in service to Him. As Jeremiah Burroughs wrote, "A gracious heart [a Christian] is contented by the melting of his will and desires into God's will and desires." Little did I realize, that melting my will meant NOT serving Him more, NOT studying God's Word more, NOT sacrificing my earthly comforts for Him more, NOT going out to do His work. And while I do serve Him now, and I do study God's Word, and I do sacrifice some of my earthly comforts, it's just not the same thing. It is hard to be content with doing less for God's kingdom, that is less in terms of quantity and quite possible quality too. But that is God's sovereign will for me.

Who knows what the future holds? Thankfully God does. He is incomprehensible. His ways are far higher than my ways. I wonder if this is my destiny and that sadness will pervade my life until Christ returns to remove all mourning and pain. I wonder if I will accept my role with joy at some point sooner rather than later. I wonder if someday, I will truly feel this in my heart as God's goodness and blessing as His Word promises and not just think it in my head. I don't know. But I fight on.