This was a somewhat unusual biography. It was divided into 2 parts. Part 1 consisted of Brainerd's thoughts and emotions while on the mission field. This was probably 2/3 of the book. Part 2 recounted his daily events and interactions with people during part of his ministry. His good friend was the famous Puritan Jonathan Edwards who interspersed his own various thoughts in Part 1.Upon first glance, this book may appear fairly odd as it is filled with depressing thoughts and evaluations of himself. Brainerd constantly describes himself as vile, wicked, worthless, etc. For example:
- Saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought there was so much spiritual pride in my soul. I felt almost pressed to death with my own vileness. Oh what a body of death is there in me!
- Felt so vile and unworthy, that I scarce knew how to converse with human creatures.
- I had the most abasing thoughts of myself, I think, that ever I had; I thought myself the worst wretch that ever lived: it hurt me, and pained my very heart, that anybody should show me any respect.
- ...my soul was grieved for the congregation; that they should hear such a dead dog as I preach.
Do you get the picture? It is literally hundreds of pages of this. Maybe I related to Brainerd because I too have somewhat depressive melancholy ways. However, what impressed me about Brainerd was the reason for his depressive melancholy ways. He always compared himself to God or what God would have him do. And then Brainerd almost always responded with hours and hours and hours of prayer.
Though his life was short, Brainerd was consumed with living for the glory of God:
- All my desire was the conversion of the heathen, and all my hope was in God. God does not suffer me to please or comfort myself with hopes of seeing friends, returning to my dear acquiantance, and enjoying worldly comforts.
- I have felt this week more of the spirit of a pilgrim on earth than perhaps ever before;
- ...yet this was my greatest happiness, never more to dishonor, but always to glorify the blessed God.
- I longed to be always solemn, devout, and heavenly-minded; and was afraid to leave off praying, lest I should again lose a sense of the sweet things of God.
How often do I feel like THAT while I am praying?! And there's more!
- And toward night I felt my soul rejoice, that God is unchangeably happy and glorious; that he will be glorified, whatever becomes of his creatures. I was enabled to persevere in prayer till some time in the evening; at which time I saw so much need of divine help, in every respect, that I knew not how to leave off, and had forgot that I need food.
- I was enabled, I think, this day to give up my soul to God, and put over all my concerns into his hands; and found some real consolation in the thought of being entirely at the divine disposal, and having no will or interest of my own. I have received my all from God; oh that I could return my all to God! Surely God is worthy of my highest affection, and most devout adoration; he is infinitely worthy, that I should make him my last end, and live for ever to him. Oh that I might never more, in any one instance, live to myself!
Keep in mind - this is his private diary. He had no intention for anyone to read this when he wrote this. It was convicting and inspiring for me to attempt to attain these thoughts and emotions once, let alone as constantly as Brainerd did. This is why this diary has inspired countless people to serve the Lord including William Carey and Henry Martyn.
However, this book is not for everyone. It can get pretty repetitive and somewhat negative at times. But it really blessed me and inspired me to grow in my passion for the Lord - to seek to fully give myself over to Him and all His glorious splendor.
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