This year, I read Tim Keller's book, The Meaning of Marriage. If you are a post-baby boomer generation, probably under 40 and are married or want to be, this is the best single book on marriage you can read. I love John Piper's This Momentary Marriage and I think that's the best book that discusses the roles of husband and wife. But Keller's is perfectly titled The Meaning of Marriage as he nails the biblical meaning of marriage in the postmodern cultural context of today.
I have never read a book that so ably understands the idols, temptations and cultural influences of my generation and yet provides such a clear and compelling biblical solution for it. He perfectly unpacks the lie of the search for a soul mate and applies the Gospel remedy for it. He exposes the idolatrous selfishness inherent in the fear of commitment and renovates the soul with courage that is complete only in Christ. Keller is masterful.
Here are some gems, there were so many!:
- A marriage based not on self-denial but self-fulfillment will require a low- or no-maintenance partner who meets your needs while making almost no claims on you. Simply put – today people are asking far too much in the marriage partner.
- Disenchantment, ‘the end of the honeymoon,’ is common and has been for centuries. It is normal, even inescapable. But the depth of disillusionment people experience in our time is something new, as is the speed with which marriage collapses. In our day, something has intensified this natural experience and turned it toxic. It is the illusion that if we find our one true soul mate, everything wrong with us will be healed; but that makes the lover into God, and no human being can live up to that.
- Marriage used to be about us, but now it is about me. But ironically, this newer view of marriage actually puts a crushing burden of expectation on marriage and on spouses in a way that more traditional understandings never did. And it leaves us desperately trapped between both unrealistic longings for and terrible fears about marriage.
- The Christian principle that needs to be at work is Spirit generated selflessness – not thinking less of yourself or more of yourself but thinking of yourself less. It means taking your mind off yourself and realizing that in Christ your needs are going to be met and are, in fact, being met so that you don’t look at your spouse as your savior.
- When you first fall in love, you think you love the person, but you don’t really. You can’t know who the person is right away. That takes years. You actually love your idea of the person – and that is always, at first, one-dimensional and somewhat mistaken…romantic flings are so intoxicating largely because the person is actually in love with a fantasy rather than a real human being.
- Parents out of ‘love,’ can spoil their children. Spouses, out of ‘love,’ can enable destructive behavior in each other. The reason this happens is that we are above all afraid of the displeasure of the beloved. We are afraid that he or she will be angry and say harsh things, and we cannot bear that. This only affirms that we don’t really love the person and his or her best interest. We love the affection and esteem we are getting from that person.
- When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.
- He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. That is why I am going to love my spouse.
- Your marriage will slowly die if your spouse senses that he or she is not the first priority in your life [best friend]…If your spouse does not feel that you are putting him or her first, then by definition, you aren’t. And when that happens, your marriage is dying.
- If you don’t see your mate’s deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you’re not even in the game. But if you don’t get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren’t tapping into the power of spiritual friendship. The goal is to see something absolutely ravishing that God is making of the beloved. You see even now flashes of glory. You want to help your spouse become the person God wants him or her to be.
- It will help a great deal to say, ‘I hate it when he does that, but that is not truly him. That is not permanent.’ It will help even more to work together to agree on what is the dross [sinful habits and character] and what is the gold [righteous habits and character] in each other so you can say, ‘This is the real you, this is the real me, this is what God wants us to be, and this is what has got to go. And we’ve got to work together against it.’
- Your marriage will go either into a truth-without-love mode, with constant fighting , or a shallow love-without-truth mode, in which both partners simply avoid the underlying problems.
- The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.
- Romance, sex, laughter, and plain fun are the by-products of this process of sanctification, refinement, glorification. Those things are important, but they can’t keep the marriage going through years and years of ordinary life. What keeps the marriage going is your commitment to your spouse’s holiness. You’re committed to his or her beauty. You’re committed to his greatness and perfection. You’re committed to her honesty and passion for the things of God. That’s your job as a spouse. Any lesser goal than that, any smaller purpose, and you’re just playing at being married.
- The gospel can fill our hearts with God’s love so that you can handle it when your spouse fails to love you as he or she should. That frees us to see our spouse’s sins and flaws to the bottom – and speak of them – and yet still love and accept our spouse fully. And when, by the power of the gospel, our spouse experiences that same kind of truthful yet committed love, it enables our spouses to show us that same kind of transforming love when the time comes for it.
My only difference of opinion is regarding the chapter on the roles of husband and wife and how they are applied in a marriage. Keller (and his wife who wrote the chapter) espouses biblical headship and submission but is purposely vague and somewhat open as to how that can be applied. I agree with him in principle but would approach the application differently. However, that is a topic that is best suited for the local church and with individuals who have personal relationships with one another. So it is a minor quibble. If you haven't read the book yet, I highly recommend it!
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