Love That Lasts

I recently finished Love That Lasts by Gary & Betsy Ricucci. While Sandy and I are not marriage veterans, we're not exactly newlyweds either (going on 12 years). We came into our marriage knowing most of the foundational truths of a biblical marriage and being familiar with most of the biblical passages that talk about marriage. But God, by His grace, showed us that knowing a few things is a far cry from being those things.

As our marriage has grown, again by His grace, God has transformed us individually and as a couple. Of course, I thought Sandy was a great woman, but deep in my heart, I used to think that as a husband, I was God's gift to Sandy. Now I realize, that she is truly God's gift to me. The more you know me, the more you will realize what a great woman and wife Sandy is to me.

But this book was one of the most balanced marriage books I have read. It not only explains what the Bible teaches about marriage - the role of husbands and wives, God's design for marriage, the picture of the cross in marriage - it also takes these Scriptural truths and puts them in the context of a real marriage between 2 sinners fraught with communication problems and conflict in life, romance and sexual intimacy.

It is a basic book in that it explains the foundations of marriage in a way that is easy to understand. In other sense, it is solid as it is not just for newlyweds but has principles and applications that are both reminders and insightful new thoughts for the more seasoned couple.

Here are a few random quotes:

• ...when you understand the nature of the human heart and God's way to promote holiness, you see that encouragement and correction are inseparable. None of us ever matures beyond the need for encouragement (because we are still becoming more holy) or correction (because we still sin)...we all have a desperate need for people who can help us see what we can't or won't see on our own. That's the privilege of correction in marriage: we have someone who intimately knows us, helping us to see more clearly in the very areas we most need to see.
• Follow-up. At some point after every conflict there should be a humble, peaceful discussion about what happened. The goal is to identify the necessary areas of ongoing repentance, the turning from old ways to pursue a new course of action and thinking...if we approach conflict resolution not just as the welcome end to a problem or unpleasant experience but as an opportunity to grow - which is God's intention - we will plan steps of repentance and change.
• Here again is the overarching perspective to keep in mind before, during, and after conflict: it is meant for our good...so many couples spend their lives avoiding conflict. They choose a superficial 'peace at any price' - a price much higher than they realize.
• The goal of marriage is to train your attractions, affections, and desires to fit only one person.
• Men are taught by the secular culture to equate romance with lust, and women are taught to equate romance with feelings. Both approaches sell a lot of movies and novels, but neither helps romance blossom.
• Busyness that regularly crowds out romance is a type of selfishness, a failure of priority. Busyness is loving something more than God or my spouse...The issue is one of priorities and choices. What do you see as essential - really, truly essential? In the final analysis we always do what we do because of a desire...either a desire to get something or to avoid something. In either case, what we do reveals what we most want.
• ...your sexual relationship will tend to reflect your emotional relationship...

The last one is something Sandy and I have noticed about ourselves and other couples. The frequency and quality of a couple's sex life is often a barometer of the health of that couple's marriage. Unfortunately, that is a topic that I don't feel comfortable bringing up in almost any discussion!

If you're looking for a marriage book, I definitely recommend this one.